April 15th
April 15th, 2009 by Karen
Today is not just Tax Day when everyone over the age of 18 frets and worries and writes angry checks. Today is not just a day for Tea Parties and raging against the government that mismanages our money in such a way that would land an individual in jail. Today is not just the 97th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic.
Today is my sweet little boy’s sixth birthday!!
Six years ago, at 3 in the morning, I got out of bed and quietly sat in the kitchen, desperately trying to finish our taxes between contractions. About 4:30 am, Joel realized I wasn’t in bed and came looking for me. Let’s just say he was pretty upset that I was doing the taxes in labor without letting him know!! Luckily, I was pretty much finished and my Dad saved the day and finished them up for us and took them to the post office while we were at the hospital.
Suddenly, he’s a kindergartener, the class clown, reading beyond his ken, creating fractal patterns of anything he can get his hands on, and playing the World of Goo where he creates bridges to his little engineering hearts content.
I have no idea where the time has gone…my only regret with him is that it passed so fast. My girls will still snuggle into my lap but Alex has already started the eyeroll and the “moooom” when I try to kiss his cheek in front of his classmates.
You can’t wait for them to grow up and be independent, but it still smarts a bit when they do!
In any case, today he is six and beyond the blue cupcakes for class, his only request is to go out to dinner someplace they have calimari.
That’s my boy!
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Rebirth
April 15th, 2009 by Karen
This past week, Stephen has never been far from my thoughts. Because of the amazing generosity of so many family, friends and strangers, he and Rosemary were able to travel to Houston last week for the battery of tests to once again battle the Hodgkins and Non-Hodgkins lymphoma still attacking his body.
If all goes well and he stays healthy, he will go back in another week or two for the medication and treatment to finally kill it and put him squarely in remission.
Knowing Stephen and his profound affect on my little brother and all his friends, the fact that this travel occurred during Easter Week is well, nothing short of symbolic. The last three years Steve has traveled a long road with his friends by his side…being their rock when they doubted, sharing his own fears and being lifted up by them in turn, losing faith and rediscovering it over and over. Taking chemo and radiation treatments, bone marrow and stem cell transplants with short lived success. And then this solitary chance arose, a place that has done so much good for so many in his situation. An opportunity to overcome the death sitting in his chest. He took this journey to Houston akin to Christ’s own trip to Jerusalem. It’s a trip he knows will change everything. His friends celebrated with him and rejoiced, but I know that in each of them is that deep rooted fear that none dare voice…the fear that he is slipping away where they can not go.
Everyone who knows Stephen has high expectations that he will finally be safe and free and he and his friends can go back to joking and playing and being the young twenty-somethings they are and talking about baseball and barbeques instead of these suddenly somber men who use multi-syllabic medical terms in their everyday chatter.
That medicine they are making this week in Houston for Stephen will make him violently ill and so weak he will not be able to have visitors. He won’t be able to see his family or cling to Rosemary’s hand for comfort. He will be denied the creature comforts of home in the interest of sterility and his decimated immune system. He will be completely and utterly exhausted from the retching and the pain of feeling his insides torn apart.
In that IV bag is liquid death.
But in its plastic confines is Stephen’s final chance for rebirth in this world.
Posted in Family, Life, Uncategorized | 3 Comments
Social Commentary
April 7th, 2009 by Karen
To say I am angry would not even begin to describe the blood that is currently boiling in my veins. I am at a loss for adjectives to describe how horrified and agitated I feel.
This morning over my morning coffee, I did what I always do…I run through my email, open my twitter, pidgin and skype for the day and then I hit Facebook and check the news headlines online at our local and regional papers to see what is going on in the world.
The first thing to greet me? A disturbing article about a new game out of Japan that is a rape simulator. Yes, you read that correctly. A video game that literally allows the player to tail and eventually rape an unsuspecting digital avatar. Whatever sick fucks programmed this thing need to have a little R&R at their local equivalent of the looney bin. A little shock therapy is more than in order.
Thoroughly disgusted, I flipped to the website for our regional paper to be greeted with the death of eight year old Sandra Cantu. Little Sandra went missing ten days ago from her home in a trailer park in Tracy. The police refused to catagorize her disappearance as a child abduction, so no Amber Alert was issued for the little one wasting valuable time in getting her back. This morning she was gruesomely found inside a suitcase in a farm collection pond.
I am sickened and disheartened that someone’s sweet little girl has been brutally ripped from their arms. My heart can only imagine the devestation her family must feel as their last shred of hope was torn from them.
When I was about eight or nine, I had a 10 speed bike and I was allowed to ride the bike around the neighborhood alone. I played with my friends, whose parents also let them wander the subdivision in the same manner. I have a daughter about the same age as Sandra and two other little ones and I don’t even feel safe letting them play in our front yard alone.
Why has our society become so violent against women and children? Those two groups have historically been considered worthy of protection…even in war raping, brutalizing and killing women and children is considered abhorrent behavior and is to be avoided at all costs. Why do we tolerate the sleeze in our midst that kills our children and rapes our bodies??
Call me intolerant, call me not understanding, call me cruel, but these men that commit these horrific sexual crimes against the weakest in our society do not deserve our pity for their childhood or our mercy in their punishments.
Christ taught us to turn the other cheek and to offer forgiveness to those who wrong us, but let us not forget that he also said “if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.” (Matthew 18:6)
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Saving Stephen
March 2nd, 2009 by Karen
The last couple of weeks, I’ve been working on a side project to help out one of my brother’s best friends, Stephen.
Stephen is a 28 year old young man, husband, uncle, and brother. He is a musician, a friend, a God loving person, and overall a very good man.
Since 2006, Steve has been battling Hodgkin’s lymphoma. He has gone through countless chemo and radiation treatments with little success. He just finished a 20 day stint in the “bubble” at the hospital where basically he was in total isolation as they killed off his immune system once again with two different kinds of chemo.
There is a place in Houston, Texas called MDAnderson that has had great success with treating hard to cure cases like Stephen’s and it is our sincere goal to send him there. Only problem is that it is out of network for him and just to walk in the door is nearly $42K. Add on travel for him and his wife Rosemary and other expenses and it is nearly an insurmountable cost. As his friends and family, we feel it is our duty and our priveledge to help Stephen with this part of his journey.
“…during your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.”
~Footprints in the Sand
There is a high probability that Stephen will need a bone marrow transplant, so a drive has begun for that in addition to the drive to help him get to Houston for additional treatment.
Please visit SavingStephen.com to help.
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Surface
March 1st, 2009 by Karen
floating
like a forgotten blossom
on a wood ringed pond
making nary a ripple
bobbing slightly with the breeze
as the mist swirls tightly
all promise of life
lost in the chill of evening
and the depths of oblivion.
Posted in Poetry & Writing, Private | 0 Comments
Tuesday’s Topic - Finding Fair
February 27th, 2009 by Karen
Last Thursday, I received a call from my mother to tell me that my Great Great Aunt Louise had passed away. Sure, she was nearly 98 and yes she had been ill and confused for several years, but despite this, I cried.
I’m fairly certain that I was the only one.
Not because my family is cruel or because they conciously wished it would all be over. Just simply because “she had lived a long fulfilling life”. At what point do we cross over from death meaning mourning and death meaning absence of grief? How in the world is that fair?
Is is fair that she had to spend her final years locked in her own confusion about who came and went, who was really alive and who she believed still lived? Is it fair that only about 40 people came to the funeral? Is it fair that the discussion at her reception focused more on when the estate would be dispersed than her long well traveled life? Is it fair that the last of a generation should simply slip away with barely a mention?
Everyone went through the motions of what was expected…solemnly fulfilling their filial duties until it was appropriate to be finished. There was no fault to be found in the service itself. The flowers were impeccable, everyone appropriately dressed, the family mortician did a lovely job as he always does. But it was all flat. There was no sorrow.
The only person I spoke with that seemed at all moved was my cousin’s daughter who is only seven. In all the swirl of black clothing and Portland rain, she quietly went about her little way and ended the reception at my side. She was the only person younger than I and both of us the youngest there by a long shot. We sat on the couch and she showed me her DS and we ate little cookies together for a bit and then she asked if I wanted to see her room since the reception was at my cousin’s house. I said sure and she led me up the stairs. She showed me the sticker collection on her door (which I’m sure just kills my cousin who is an incredible interior designer), her collection of ponies and frilly dresses, and her books. She pointed out all the fun bric-a-brac that make up the world of a child then she turned to me in all childhood seriousness and said simply “You know, it’s too bad that Aunt Louise had to go to heaven. She was a nice lady.”
It was all I could do to choke out “Yes honey, she was.”
That small precious moment made up for all the unfairness of the day that had assaulted my heart.
No one else could see past the paperwork, the cost and the hassle of the end of a life, but a small child with barely an understanding of what it means to live did.
Posted in Family, Life, Tuesday's Topic | 2 Comments
Patience is a virtue…
February 12th, 2009 by Karen
This past Sunday when Joel and I renewed our vows, one of the readings at Mass was Corinthians 1:1-13 and although it’s oft quoted to the point of becoming trite, it’s still a lovely message. Love, unconditional love, is patient. It is kind. It endures always.
I am not the most patient person in the world. I have known this for a long time and regretably, so have those around me that I love the most. I come by it naturally I’m afraid. (Like father, like daughter!) I do not go through life with a happy and overabundant spirit. I usually start my day grouchy and impatient and I end it thinking impatiently of all the stuff I still have to do but have to wait on since it’s bed time. Impatience, perfectionism, and proscrastination are a bad combination.
Recently, my friend Mike suggested that I read The Tao of Inner Peace by Diane Dreher. Keep in mind that I DEVOUR books and can read 700 pages in a day with little trouble. This book has forced me to slow down and start taking things to heart. I’ve been reading it for a week and I’m only about 20 pages in. It’s frustrating and cathartic at the same time. It’s been a long time since I did serious self-discernment and examined my soul and boy…it needs some help.
By contrast, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Galatians 5:22
I have been striving towards several of these in my life lately, but I haven’t been particularly focused on patience. Joel can tell you, I sit in my chair and grumble away most of the day. The spam annoys me, the temperature of the house, the stack of bills, the constant “mommommommom” of our littlest one, the misplaced notes that are somewhere on my desk but elude me until I no longer need them. Each minor irritation has its tongue lashing or harrumph from me. He has the patience of Job to put up with me, I know. I would have up and moved my desk to another room by now.
The more I reflect on the idea of patience, the larger a concept it becomes. Not only does it encompass my day to day attitude and interactions, but it directly affects my joy, my capacity to love, my inner peace. My lack of patience prevents me from being the gentle and kind person I want to be and throws my self-control out the window, at least where things like chocolate are concerned. Patience does not mean being a complacent doormat, but being proactive in the face of difficult or annoying circumstances.
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. ~Ephesians 4:2
The last thing I want -ever- is for my children to be afraid of upsetting me or look back on their childhood and say “gee, Mom sure yelled a lot”. I need to learn to not sweat the small stuff, to take a breath before I criticize, to remember what impatience looks like through their eyes, because I was them once. I feel like I’m starting to make a little progress…seeing fragments of color flashing through my peripheral vision in a sea of gray and black.
It’s like patiently climbing a long spiral staircase, you can’t see the top, you can’t see the bottom, but you know each landing is higher than the last. If you’re patient enough and persevere, eventually you’ll see the sky.
Posted in Family, Life, Tuesday's Topic | 4 Comments
At the corner of Kismet & Karma
February 3rd, 2009 by Karen
I am not one who easily meets others.
Well, that’s not entirely true…perhaps a better way to say it is that I don’t easily approach others. I tend to be the quiet observer in a group, the seemingly shy one who smiles at the right times and laughs when it’s appropriate, then goes back to being a neutral shade of beige that blends in with the walls. I tend not to meet the eyes of people I don’t know in a crowd. Why? I don’t really know…a fear of what I might find reflected perhaps. I have tried in the past to convince myself that my self sufficency makes me a stronger person.
The last couple of months, I’ve been making a concerted effort to try to be more gregarious and outgoing and man, it’s incredibly difficult, but in the long run I think it will be worth it. In fact, I had the pleasure of meeting some really fine people just two weeks ago in Vegas. It was a struggle, but six months ago, I simply would have watched them from the sidelines without them even knowing I would have loved to talk to them.
When I was younger, meeting people was just as difficult, but fate has intervened on my behalf several times, despite my shortcomings, and I am very grateful for the people it has brought me.
My very best friend in the whole world, I never would have really known, if it hadn’t been for a trip to Ashland to the Shakespeare Festival in 7th grade. Our core teacher had one core class in the morning and one in the afternoon and we were each in different ones, so we didn’t really hang out or know each other well at all. Come to think of it, I think the only class Faith and I had together that first year was band. Anyway, neither of us had anyone to sit with for the long bus ride, so we ended up sitting together. We had an awesome time and after that, we were fast friends. Ten years ago, she was my maid of honor at my wedding and if I had to pick someone to do it again today, she’d still be the first person I would call. I in turn was her matron of honor and I like to think that she didn’t regret it, despite my razzing her with my toast. (You met him at French club meeting at a bar and neither of you drink and you took a long walk on the beach? Yeah, sure….) With families and distance, it’s harder to get together and hang out like we used to, but when we do manage to find an afternoon, it’s just like we never stopped being together on a daily basis.
I met my husband purely by chance as well. I was sixteen and part of the CYM core team at church and our youth minister signed us up for CLI, Christian Leadership Institute, up at Camp Pendola in the Sierras. I was -not- happy to be going. I was unsure of myself and frankly a little scared to be thrown into an unfamiliar situation. We got up to camp and we all went and sat down in the chapel/meeting room and the youth ministers started a skit. I had never met Joel before, but as he bounded into the room he nearly knocked himself out on the doorjamb. Over the course of the week, I found myself entranced by him and his goofy nature. We all parted ways and I went home to find that my beloved boyfriend of the time had been cheating on me with a friend of mine (broke up by handing me his wedding invite. ouch.). Fast forward a couple of summers and I found myself working at camp as a counselor and lo and behold, so was Joel. We hit it off and even though I had to kinda spell it out for him that I liked him, we fell in love. He hasn’t run away screaming in terror yet, so I count that as a bonus. We will have been together fourteen years and married ten this July 9th and yes, having everything on the same date (first kiss, proposal and wedding) has been very useful. I highly recommend it.
Finally, my most recent friend I met in quite a round about way. I freely admit, I’m a bit of a geek and I play an MMO for fun and stress relief…nothing like flinging around some fireballs to relieve frustration. One evening last year, none of my regular friends were on to play with so I switched to a different server. I picked one at random and within the first couple minutes, I heard about a player run radio station. I tuned in and was hooked by the Tom Lehrer the gal was playing. Since I work from home and my own playlist was getting rather tiresome, we started listening regularly and became acquainted with several of the other DJs. Last summer, I attended the IRCE conference in Chicago and two of the DJs invited me out to a B.B. King concert. I was nervous to go since I didn’t know them at all but honestly, I had a blast even though I stayed pretty quiet the whole time and that as they say was that. At Christmas, I ran into a bit of a dilemmma in game with one of my main characters. Trying to be more outgoing, I had impulsively agreed to allow her to be part of a bachelorette auction, but as the date got closer and I heard the various rp rumblings about people who were interested and why, I got more and more concerned. I didn’t want to back out and disappoint people, but I had a serious case of remorse. I voiced that concern to a small group of my friends and one of the DJs I met in Chicago, gallantly stepped up to save my character from a fate worse than death. In the process, we started talking more and more and he’s quickly become a fast friend and confidant. He’s been a huge support as I’ve been trying to get past some personal hurdles, rediscover who I am and nudge me down the path towards who I want to be. He’s also encourging me to slow down and listen to my own heart, which I haven’t done in a very long time. I’m blessed to have him as a friend.
None of these three I would have ever met, if I had been left to my own devices. The inital contact with each of them wasn’t something I actively sought out, not because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t think I needed someone. I can’t imagine how dreary and sad my life would be without them now and it saddens me to suddenly discover how many missed opportunities there have been to connect with others.
AN OLD man on the point of death summoned his sons around him to give them some parting advice. He ordered his servants to bring in a bundle of sticks, and said to his eldest son: “Break it.” The son strained and strained, but with all his efforts was unable to break the bundle. The other sons also tried, but none of them was successful. “Untie the bundle,” said the father, “and each of you take a stick.” When they had done so, he called out to them: “Now, break,” and each stick was easily broken. “You see my meaning,” said their father.
“UNION GIVES STRENGTH.” -Aesop
My lesson: Alone, I am important to none. With others, we are are important to each other.
Posted in Family, Life, Tuesday's Topic | 4 Comments
Monday, monday…
January 27th, 2009 by Karen
I am deciding today was a total wash. There was nothing spectacular that went wrong, just lots of little things went awry, got broken and my shoulder is throbbing for the third day in a row. Coupled with my crampy lower back pain and the fact that my husband is ill and I’m just a certifiable hot mess today. It’s only 10 pm, but I’m calling it a day.
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Dining for One
January 20th, 2009 by Karen
Quick Minestrone - great for that small piece of leftover steak that you know you shouldn’t eat right now
1 TBSP vegetable oil
1 zucchini, chopped
small piece of leftover meat, chopped small
1 can chopped tomatoes (or whole and cut them up)
~8 oz green beans (fresh is better than frozen is better than canned)
1/2 envelope lipton onion soup mix
16 oz water
handful of macaroni/bowtie/similar pasta
In a saucepan on medium heat, add oil, zucchini & meat. Cook 2 minutes then add tomatoes, green beans and water and bring to a boil. Add the onion soup mix and pasta and stir well. Reduce heat to low and cover and cook for about 10 minutes. Add pepper and salt to taste.
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Crock Pot “Roast” - rather than a big roast, get a nice size steak, roll it up and tie with butchers twine.
“Roast” (this also works great with cheaper cuts of meat that are normally tougher)
1 medium onion
1 or 2 carrots, sliced into pieces an inch or so long
1 or 2 celery stalks, sliced
1 envelope lipton onion soup mix
1 beef boullion cube
Water
Tie up your steak and place in crock pot along with the vegetables. Dump in the onion soup mix, boullion cube and add enough water to come a little more than halfway up the side of the rolled steak. Cook for about 2 hours and check for doneness. (Timing will depend on the size of your roast)
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Broccoli & Almonds
1 head of broccoli, chopped
2 green onions, sliced thin
2 TBSP butter
2 TBSP or so sliced almonds (bulk foods is great for this rather than the baking aisle)
Lemon
Melt butter over high heat. When it’s hot, add broccoli, onions and almonds. Stir constantly until broccoli is tender, but still bright green. Remove from heat and squeeze lemon over after plating.
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Saucepan Baked Apples
2 large baking apples (mackintoshes, rome, gala…I prefer the red blush colored ones)
2 spoonfuls of sugar
cinnamon
butter
1/2 C water
Scoop out the core of the apples, but don’t pierce the bottoms. In the hole, add the sugar until almost full, add a pat of butter on top and sprinkle with cinnamon. Pour water into saucepan and carefully add apples. Cover and bring water just to a boil over medium heat. Lower the heat and cook for about 20 minutes or until tender. A nice variation on this is brown sugar.
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Caesar Chicken and Orzo Pasta - this is all done in one skillet
1 TBSP vegetable oil
2 chicken breasts
1 C chicken broth or 1 chicken boullion cube and 1 C hot water
1/2 C water
1/2 C orzo pasta (looks like like pieces of rice)
~8 oz bag frozen mixed spring vegetables (carrots, green beans)
1 1/2 TBSP Caesar dressing
Pepper
Heat oil in skillet over medium-high heat and cook chicken for about 10 minutes, turning once, until brown. Remove chicken from skillet and keep warm. Add broth and water to skillet and bring to a boil. Stir in orzo and bring to a boil again. Cook uncovered for 8 to 10 minutes, stirring occassionally. Stir in frozen vegetables and dressing. Add chicken and sprinkle with pepper. Heat to boiling once more, then reduce heat to a simmer and cook uncovered for about 5 minutes or until the chicken is done.
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Fish en Papillote - fancy talk for fish in parchment (or tinfoil!)
1 frozen lean fish fillets (perch, sole, just about any white fish)
1 C frozen mixed vegetables (broccoli, carrots & cauliflower)
1/4 tsp dill
salt & pepper
1 TBSP white wine (leftovers are good, or get a bottle of kitchen wine)
(Do this on a cookie sheet lined with foil. Little clean up that way!) Heat oven to 450. Place the
fish on a 12 inch square of foil and top with the vegetables, dill, salt, pepper and wine. Fold up foil and seal edges to hold in the steam. Bake about 35 minutes on a cookie sheet or until vegetables are done and fish flakes with a fork. (You can do this in parchment paper too, but rather than a square, you’ll need to cut the parchment in a heart shape. Put everything on one side of the heart, fold over the other half and roll the edge to seal.)
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Maple Apples and Carrots - great with a nice pork chop or chicken
1 medium carrot, sliced
1 medium apple, sliced thinly (hint…slice like you would a potato, and then cut out the centers)
1 TBSP butter
2 TBSP maple syrup
1/4 tsp cardamom (use nutmeg if you don’t have cardamom)
Heat about an inch of water to a saucepan and bring to a boil. Add carrots and cover and heat to boiling then reduce heat. Simmer 12 to 15 minutes or until tender. Drain. While carrots cook, heat butter in a skillet over medium heat. Cook apple wedges in butter for 2 minutes, stirring occassionally. Stir in syrup and spice and cook for an additional 3-5 minutes sitrring frequently until apples are evenly coated. Stir in carrots.
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